7.18.2009

P.S. I Still Love You

"Hope is patience, with the lamp lit." - Tertullion

There is a reasonable excuse for my absence from writing, and most of it is due to an inability to articulate the thoughts swimming inside. And most of my words have been limited to the book I have been writing (an autobiographical sketch, primarily tragicomedy) about my spiritual journey. Three steps forward, and two steps back; my discipleship skills have always been uncoordinated.

Someone asked me last night what I have been up to. I never know how to answer that question, because it all depends on the day. "Everything. Nothing. I don't know."

I will clear up some of the fog: I have been teaching Mariah how to ride a bike without her training wheels. And I realize, my Father God has been doing the same with me. And Ambria is learning new words everyday, holding us breathless with her energy. Meanwhile, Jamie has been an enigma of sorts: strong as a rock on the exterior; fragile as a flower on the inside. Our talks are rarely about the fire and smoke in the rear view mirror, instead we have been dreaming about life on the other side of the windshield before us...

We still feel restless.uncomfortable.discouraged.optimistic.lonely.blessed. and without a local church family. Occasionally we attend my dad's church, and I try to avoid his attempts to have me close the service with a benediction, or a prayer over the offering or...

A friend of mine has given me a part-time job in Grand Rapids. I am doing miscellaneous work for his growing corporation. I have a clever title: "Independent Contractor", working primarily as a social networker with non-profit organizations.

And at night, I am a janitor. I am partially responsible for the cleaning of a major industrial factory in Muskegon. I am the guy pushing a mop around a filthy warehouse, sweating through the regret of recent decisions.

I have a lot of time to think, and sometimes I cry when nobody is around. I absolutely hate my job! It is exhausting and humiliating and honest and "exactly!" I can hear my Abba Father whisper, as I peddle around each corner. I am shedding the training wheels and, although my knees are scraped up from occasional falls, I am learning a new rhythm of balance,
and now/not yet,
someday around the block...
there will a full circle,
home.

4 comments:

Liz Nyenhuis said...

Glad to "hear" an update.

Remember the blessings and joy your last job mopping brought to you...I'm sure God has something even greater in store for you!

Continued prayers!

Jen Wags said...

good point Liz....

:)

God is so Good!

After The Blackbird Sings said...

One of my biggest issues with Christianity is that it honors people who can appear to have it all together (while humbling claiming they don't). It's like those infomercials that claim if you use their money-making strategies, you could be rich in the first year. "If only you follow these simple instructions in the Bible, you could be perfect tomorrow!"

When we fell, God could have had Jesus die in the garden. We might never had to even leave. But instead he embarks on this painfully long journey to gently call the world home. Why would he do that? Either he's an ass who likes people to suffer a while before their redemption, or he honors the struggle.

I think that might be the number one thing I didn't learn growing up:
God honors the struggle.

Or as Jacob Dylan would say, "God is not angry, blind, deaf, or dumb; he knows how far you've come"

Terri Stewart said...

You are always welcome at SLWC! You'll be fed spiritually, and you can engage in some great times of worship. We have awesome Sunday School for the girls too:)

God has a plan!

Terri Stewart