remembering to forget

a layover in chicago gives me time to think

about the unfairness of it all

jamie says

remember when ambria wouldn't stop crying at her birthday party?

i shake my head

and the family video is on rewind

we're all there gathered around two candles and a cake

and i'm watching myself

disengaged in the corner

absent in my presence

emotionally unavailable

oh there's the dress that mariah wore to princess camp

jamie points at the fluffy sleeves in pink

and i can't remember

when did mariah go to princess camp?

and yet another family video

chuck e cheese and the girls are laughing

i'm there in the video too

but, i don't remember any of this

a layover in chicago gives me time to think

about the unfairness of it all

the calculated estimates: the last thing i remember was the week after my resignation

we showed up as a family to catholic central high school

for a family reunion

in a packed gymnasium

the moment we opened the door,

ambria puked all over her nursery dress

good timing, i thought

then ~ nothing

for

nineteen

damned

months

until we hit the north carolina border

snapping a picture as a family

hoping for a new chapter

while the haters had posted

inflammatory blogs about us being 'driven from the land'

a layover in chicago gives me time to think

about the unfairness of it all