8.25.2010
8.16.2010
life as we know it
anyone who has braved the journey to visit us in our new home, will testify to this reality.
most of those who are closest to us question this situation.
"wow, you sure are quite a ways from civilization!" they say.
"wouldn't you be happier a little closer to the city?"
we live far away.
the songbirds in the morning echo through the valley behind our house, and the crickets and bullfrogs compete for attention at night. the fireflies explode into a ritual at dusk, as we tuck three girls into bed. they look out the window and watch the fireworks.
the barn behind our house was built in the mid 1940's. she has weathered many unpredictable storms over the years. the property adjacent to ours is home to horses that run over the pasture, stirring up the cows in the distance. whenever a passerby ventures down hazel brook road, a habitual southern waive is assumed.
we live far away.
and in this rhythm of quiet, God is wooing me back in to His embrace.
7.22.2010
proverbs 25:22
it's fascinating to review the history of visitors to my blog - (it gives me the url and actual location) of who exactly is viewing these thoughts, and from where.
all i can say is, wow!
some of the same people who have verbally attacked my family, and launched anonymous rocks in our direction, seem grossly curious about our slow [yet imminent] healing.
read on, haters.
because i have something for you:
i love you.
the end.
7.11.2010
Keep This Confedential (Promise)?
I realize that what you are about to read is depressing. And indeed, I was going through the valley of the shadow of doubt. One minute I would feel hopeful and content, and the next - suicidal! Most of the scattered journal entries were in the immediate months following my resignation from Lakeshore Community Church, and the exile from my home.
I am posting some (of course, not everything!) of these journal entries because they are beautiful and sacred, and I have come so far from that place. I have also chosen to share this emotion because I believe it will help me to bring closure to a painful chapter in the story of my life. Although I am not fully healed from the self-inflicted wounds, the scars are fading and my heart is beating again...
Read at your own risk:
__________________________________________________________
"this then, is my confession:
that i'm losing hope in the power of prayer.
st. john of the cross refers to this season as
'the dark night of the soul'.
when God seems detached
a million miles away
laughing uncontrollably at my petty confessions
with bloody knuckles pounding on heaven's door
for justice and mercy and deliverance
from the thorn in my soul
again and again and again...
sometimes your grace does not seem sufficient
sometimes i speak with the tongues of foreign groans;
an unholy rage that can not be interpreted
sometimes these tears fall like salty blood and sweat
violent explosions from my soul
delicate implosions from this body of death
who can deliver me?
_______ the truth_______
i'm a fellow pilgrim on the journey
trying to wrap my mind around grace
and a post-easter worldview
____________________________________________________
a question posed by my therapist:
"do you find it difficult to believe that people could actually love you, just for being you?"
a) "i don't understand the question."
____________________________________________________
"yesterday afternoon i had a meltdown. for some reason i could not function. i could not make the simplest of decisions. i stood in the kitchen and just cried my eyes out. i went into the living room and just sat on the couch. mariah was watching television and i tried to hide my tears. i do not want her to see me like this.
i went into the bedroom and collapsed. jamie came in to comfort me, and mariah followed... suspiciously curious.
kyle b. came over. we sat in the basement. he told me that some people are questioning the sincerity of my repentance or pride. trust me, this is not pride - it's self-hatred. how long will i continue flogging myself? and then it hit me: God knows the condition of my heart, and nothing else matters. nothing."
___________________________________________________
"except for the fact that i am losing hope
in love in koinonia in ekklesia in the body of Christ
to be a safe place for broken people like me
to confess sin, and in repentance, find restoration.
i am so catastrophically pissed off!
outraged and ashamed, all in one breath.
i am not well
dangerous, i can not drive down the highway
or speak an intelligent word
or make the simplest of choices
i want to scream out at the thousands of curious spectators
who are watching like a ten-car highway wreck, with detached, vulgar curiosity.
i refuse the eucharist in community.
i am afraid for my daughters
that their eyes will watch the body lose a limb
and silence a voice. that they will grow up
like every other suburban child
confused and uncertain
just like their daddy.
Jesus give me the strength to pack my bags and wiped the dust and blood off my wretched self."
a d m i t m e.
_____________________________________________________
"this morning i am in the recovery room.
yesterday a statement was made by the elders
my dirty laundry put on display
like my dad's childhood sheets, soiled
hanging out to dry, flopping in the wind to be observed by the entire neighborhood.
this morning i am in the recovery room
let the healing begin
i want to rip the iv out
disconnect from the monitors, supervision, speculation
white coats with their hushed whispers and clip boards,
taking notes and diagnosing me
oppositional defiant disorder."
_________________________________________________________
"lately i've been cold
constantly freezing and trembling
my knees buckling as i walk
lately i've been waking up in a pool of sweat
sheets soaked; cold cold sweat
electric blanket on seven
shivering."
___________________________________________________________
"my counselor stretched me yesterday and i am furious!
he asked me what i value the most:
acceptance by God or the praise of men?
obviously, i answer, acceptance by God.
why then
is my soul in shambles? feeling the sting
(that all-too familiar slap) of rejection
and the self-verification that consumes me?
he asks me if anyone truly knows me.
seriously, truly knows every detail. every scar. every hidden secret.
'no, perhaps not.'
he said that's because you don't know yourself.
so who am i then [these questions haunt me]
which is the real me:
the guy on stage under the spotlight
or
the guy hidden behind a door
locked and bolted shut?
yes."
_________________________________________________________
[counseling sessions]
fifty-three miles outside my comfort zone
this leather couch holds me captive
to another fifty minutes of show and tell.
these tears have escaped with a vengeance
streaking naked down my face
trembling with anticipation
before the interrogation is over, i will come to terms with my greatest fear.
rejection has been a part of my story for as long as i can remember.
the haunting crash of doors
slammed in my face
this incessant sting of abandonment has fueled within me a thirst for affirmation
that suffocates me like an electric blanket in august
in full volume, the praises of men;
self-verification has become a lethal drug
i will embrace this season
introspective soul-searching will bring
the healing i need from the inside out
i will embrace this silence
isolation is the rhythm that peddles the chain that turns the wheels that keeps me going...
i will embrace this anger
sins of omission, words left unspoken
promises broken, gasping and choking
i will embrace this memory:
a porcelain toilet and a mess on the floor
tears and dry heaving; a spiritual war
i will embrace this hope
an empty tomb a resurrection
from the crucifixion; an all-sufficient Savior
who reinstates
recreates
mediates
and stands as my defense attorney in a court of law
i will embrace this grace
seeking the affirmation of my Father
and no other."
__________________________________________________________
"i don't know is the answer
to the questions and the doubt
the reason for His silence
abandoned in the drought.
i don't know is the answer
to the laughter and the kiss
betrayal in a whisper
hurt i do not miss.
i don't know is the answer
to the grace that covers sin
the slaughter of my Savior
and the love that does not win."
__________________________________________________________
[cell phone alert; 1 new email message]
'My free, unsolicited advice would be to grieve. Make sure you grieve, or you will (as you said) be confronted with it again some day. Feel your feelings and let time take its course. What was once there is gone. But what replaced it might be better."
- Marcia R.
(6.3.08)
__________________________________________________________
[unpublished letter to our Lakeshore Family]
"Dear Friends,
Grace and Peace to you from our Lord Jesus Christ, who has redeemed us for His glory. May these words find you and keep you in the Spirit of grace. With trembling hands I write; nauseously slow, pondering each word...
This afternoon Jamie and I sat outside beneath cloudy skies, to commemorate the past, contemplate our present, and deliberate our future. As Ambria slept in her crib, and Mariah played with her toys, we landed on this inevitable conclusion: our exodus from Muskegon is immanent.
Our hearts are shattered into a million pieces, to think of those faces with whom we have fallen in love! This city, so desperate for change; this vision, now clouded. These friends, now family. We reminisce with ache, to be reunited in glory - some glad morning!
We are torn between the heavy weight of our responsibility to a call to ministry and the great commission/ and the unification of the Body of Christ. To see the Bride of Lakeshore Church so polarized is excruciating! Indeed, Christ's final prayer was for His Church to be One.
The Revolution of Love includes radical surrender and submission to the point of death. We love this community so deeply that we are willing to walk away, if it will help to see her prosper. As desperately as we desire to return, we realize that our own selfishness may intercept the emergence of Lakeshore's future...
And so we are leaving forever, for now. We trust that the Elders will remain true to the original vision of preaching Jesus, and loving people. We trust the counsel of local pastors who believe that Lakeshore's only chance of survival is for us to part ways. We trust that many years from now, She will continue to be thriving under the leadership of Brad, Skot, Jeff, and Matt.
And most of all, we trust that you will never forget those epic moments of awe and wonder, as God used someone as screwed up as me, to speak words of encouragement into your lives.
Thank you, from the bottom of my nauseous heart, for the honor of taking this journey with you, as a fellow pilgrim in search of grace.
in One peace,
- J D
__________________________________________________________
"there are times, of course, that i miss the rush of the stage.
the auditorium quickly filling up... people scrambling to save seats.
the worship team takes their place, 'one name, under heaven...'
i miss the sense of expectation!
we used to anticipate the visitation of the Victor.
i miss seeing cars lined up all the way down lakeshore drive.
i miss greeting visitors, memorizing names, and welcoming friends.
detox sucks.
i hate the current anxiety of sunday mornings.
'what church shall we visit today, honey?'
[pick your poison]: would you rather die by suffocation or electrocution?
drowning or fire? how about in your sleep?
_________________________________________________________
"let it be known that i loved lakeshore church.
i will always love her!
i will go to my grave with a fierce love for her!
i watched her bloody birth on the floor of our living room
at 1434 canterbury avenue, with eleven friends...
i watched her first steps as a toddler community.
i watched her grow and blossom and reproduce and multiply
and i love her. i love her. i love her. i will always love her!
i think before i can move forward
i need to go back to that place of original surrender
to grieve and to celebrate
and to give thanks.
__________________ [goodbye]_____________________
to endless pacing back and forth
rehearsing words on saturday night
everything in its rightful place
clocks and candles and notes
and no need for an alarm clock
early, i rise. in eager anticipation with a fire in my heart.
skot's car is already parked in the back.
the worship team is rehearsing in rhythm.
kathy is brewing the coffee and chain-smoking and washing the windows.
i am walking in circles
habitually opening the door
glancing up and down the street and
here they come...
the traffic begins to slow
and hugs and introductions to friends and
family reunions will never be the same
the worship begins and john beats the drums as an invitation to the mayor to take notice.
my heart is going to explode!
there is now standing room only (don't tell the fire marshal)
two services, now
visitors returning as friends, then family
the sidewalk is still flooded with late-comers
stepping over colored chalk:
'love wins.
'have mercy!'
'you are forgiven'
my fingers still stained with powdered pink and blue chalk
as i scurry down the isle to take a seat next to jamie
and she takes my hand in hers as i whisper in her ear,
'i love this moment!'
__________________________________________________________
dear Jesus, come in to my life and save me.
remove my sin
as far as the east is from the west
as far as the east is from the west
as far as the east is from the west
7.07.2010
6.20.2010
Ashlyn Hope
Young lady, you were born in a furnace of resistance! For the past nine months, you have kicked and turned and caused us to ache for your delivery. Nothing about this pregnancy has been normal, or average, or boring. Instead, you are already marching to your own drum, and dancing to your own song. And we wouldn’t have it any other way!
The world that you have been born into is in desperate need of hope. Hope that there is life after death, resurrection after crucifixion, and the conviction that love, wins. Into this hope, you have been conceived and delivered! Your sisters (Grace and Faith), will guide you in the Way of Truth. The fuel within you to navigate the difficult journey ahead will require a hope that transcends understanding.
(As your mother is writhing in the pain of giving birth, I cannot help but to recognize the cosmic metaphor of God’s own gift…)
My prayer for you is that you will guard your heart, “for it is the wellspring of life”. I pray that you will reside within the fortress of security; concrete walls around the castle of your heart. The enemy has come to kill, steal, and destroy, but the well-guarded heart will recognize the counterfeit lies and plastic promises of the deceiver.
Guard your heart, and always remember that your mom and dad love you with an eternal covenant. Our commitment to you is for life! Even in this moment, as your mom is crying out in labor, we are fighting for your very being. We are dedicated to the war for your heart, and pray that you will One Day, understand our resolve.
And as the moon is now bearing witness through the window, over the mountains (the ever faithful witness to this declaration), I covenant to walk with you on this journey.
I will physically carry you out of this hospital and bring you home. I will walk you to school on your first day of kindergarten. I will dance with you as your self-appointed chaperon at your junior-high dance. And I will walk with you down the isle, some glad morning… when I give you away to a better man than me.
It won’t take long for you to realize that I am a very broken person, desperately in need of grace, faith, and hope. I will need the love of my daughters to carry me through this mission of loving you well, from the mosaic of my heart… a trophy of heavenly mercies. I remain yours, until we are parted by death.
- Your Daddy,
6.07.2010
Loneliness in a Crowd
5.30.2010
5.19.2010
5.03.2010
Psalm of MY Day [Ps 13]
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
4.27.2010
22 Random Things
4.08.2010
4.03.2010
3.23.2010
Guard Your Heart
When I was a little boy we used to have a pet mutt named Binky. She was, without a doubt, the best friend a lonely, home-schooled kid could ever have. Although she was part feline and 1/8th sloth, my love for her was unconditional! She used to snore beneath my bed, as I’d lay awake in our A-framed house on Byron Road.
Something suffocated my palpating heart the afternoon of her premature exodus. An unsuspecting motorist had collided with Binky, and the screeches of halting tires in front of our house had interrupted an otherwise captivating episode of Little House on the Prairie. We all ran outside to scrape her from the pavement…
I watched my dad bury her in the wooded lot behind our house. A concrete brick was left to serve as a headstone, and that was her farewell. Life was assumed to have resumed. I remember retreating to the basement where I was reunited with the Ingalls family via a black & white television. In the privacy of an otherwise empty room, I cried my little eyes out.
Where does this come from? How does a seven year-old boy clutch so fiercely to the solace of security and attachment? And whatever happened to this elemental dis-ease of innocence? There was a time in the life of a young child when statistics had names and faces had stories, news broadcasting injustice was incomprehensible to the cognition of a second grader on the playground! As the mind “matured” through the evolution of experience, it also became desensitized to the Spirit’s conviction against the murder of hope.
As I watch the expression on your faces when the thunder roars and the lightning shatters, I wonder what happened to my heart. Have the wounds received and the lessons learned somehow hijacked my youthful exuberance? Why don’t I tremble at the foot of the storm or blink in the eye of the hurricane? I am envious of your emotional connectedness to the groaning of all creation.
My prayer for you, my daughters, is that you will guard your hearts in such a way that you will never lose sensitivity. I beg of you three resolutions:
May you pledge allegiance to a Hope that springs eternal
This hope is born in a furnace of doubt, and experienced when everything else has been torn asunder. It is the practice of resurrection in the spirit that is depleted. This hope is in a Divine Movement, not a temporary boyfriend. This hope is the fuel that powers the engine of your heart, and keeps you going when you have nothing left to give.
May you establish concrete boundaries around your heart
This fortress is not to prevent you from getting out, but to protect the enemy from invading your castle with his lies and counterfeit promises. In the building and maintaining of a fortress, you will recognize the fleeting kisses of betrayal, the empty choruses of the crowd, and the shallow contracts offered by popular culture. Do not invite this poison in to your life! Do not open the door to the knocking of foreign invaders; they will tear down your gates and plunder your savings.
May you become a flood of blessing to those around you
As your heart remains pure, it erupts as a fountain of water within. It is “the wellspring of life”, and a thirsty world is waiting for a drink of the hope that is within you. May your heart rise like an ocean’s tidewater, bringing refreshing encouragement to those who are within your reach. And as you pour out love, mercy, and forgiveness – may God replenish your reserves in due season.
“…above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
- Proverbs 4:23
3.14.2010
3.06.2010
journal selections
2.27.2010
2.24.2010
Thinking Out Loud
2.19.2010
An Open Letter to Rob Deckert
2.12.2010
1.22.2010
(thoughts while clearing a brush pile...)
1.15.2010
two roads
The Road Not Taken (Frost)
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim Because it was grassy and wanted wear, Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I marked the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. |
1.11.2010
In the Beginning...
Sidewalk Chalk and, Her
"The following semester I returned to Grand Valley State University to finish my degree. But a profound, indefinable transformation had erupted within my heart. I was no longer the intimidated, quiet kid with no direction. Instead, I could not shut up about this new Way of living. I felt responsible to communicate this life-changing message to everyone in my path.
I remember walking in to the University Bookstore on campus, and buying out all of their colored chalk. I proceeded to paint Jesus graffiti all over the sidewalks, on the sides of buildings and buses and even the clock tower. “You are loved.” I would write, “Love wins!” and “Go now, you are forgiven.”
One day the local campus ministry pastors called me in to their office. They sat me down and asked me what my objective was. I didn’t really know. Then they expressed deep concern for me. “Quite frankly, Jerry, we’re worried about you!”
(Apparently, my energy made them nervous.) I suggested that there were approximately seventeen thousand students on campus who could probably use more of their concern than me. Then I began to laugh hysterically at their nervousness, and told them that I would pray for them.
And that was the day I got kicked out of campus ministry.
Evangelism 101
Perhaps it was the fundamentalism that had been rooted within me, or maybe I was just born stupid. But I began to seek out some of the most dangerous places to testify of the resurrected Christ. I used to set out on foot, through some of the most violent neighborhoods in West Michigan, hoping to stumble into a conversation with the homeless, drunkards, prostitutes, or those who were simply lonely.
Every Saturday evening I would walk down Division Street in Grand Rapids, alone. I would breathe in the scent of the painful reality that incarcerated so many of the nameless faces who had gathered under the streetlights. Sometimes I would simply strike up conversations with whoever was waiting at the bus stop, or sitting on a park bench. Often, they would ask me for money, and I would give what little I had to offer. But on occasion, a conversation would actually allow for me to listen to the harrowing accounts of those who had suffered violently at the hands of an abusive system of evil, or an addiction that could not be shaken.
One evening in particular, I was listening to a homeless man share his personal story. “Rick” was veteran who had returned from Vietnam with Post-Traumatic Stress-Syndrome, leaving him unable to work. He had been well-cared until the death of his wife, a few years earlier. I listened to him as the tears rolled down his face, reminiscing of the night she was taken in a horrific car accident. He lost his wife, and their only daughter.
He paused to control his breathing, and to brush away the salty wetness from his eyes. I noticed a hospital bracelet that remained on his wrist. “How can I help you, Rick.” I asked. Considering the logistics of getting him the significant medical attention he required, I felt helpless. He was unable to stop shaking his hands. On Tuesdays afternoons he would give his own plasma, and eventually he was able to save up for the cost of the prescription medication to combat the shaking. He would also collect recyclable bottles, and try to make ends meet.
It was cold outside, and beginning to rain. I walked to the nearest vending machine, and bought him a hot cup of coffee. Regretting my own inability to ease his financial burden, at least I was able to console him for a while. In my return to Rick I handed him the Styrofoam cup, and suggested he stay warm. He looked at me graciously, not wanting to embarrass me. In my ignorance, I failed to realize that a man with uncontrollable shaking could not hold a cup of scalding liquid! Unsure as to what to do, I simply set the cup of coffee down on the sidewalk next to him, and we both sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity.
Back to the Chalk Art, and Her
In between classes I used to sit and listen in amazement to Preacher Tom. While he would spitting and shouting about the whoremongers on campus, I used to paint the sidewalks around him with words like, “Loved.”
I will never forget the day that a petite, Puerto-Rican beauty stopped to read my words. She seemed inquisitive, and I handed her a piece of chalk. She sat down next to me, and doubted whether she had the courage to write anything.
Jamie Jo was dripping with charisma, and I was pretty much putty at the introduction. We talked for hours that afternoon. I skipped class and we walked to Afterwards Café on the center of campus, and agreed to meet again the following afternoon for lunch.
She met me at the clock tower, and we walked to the café, again. That fall semester would become the season of electricity in a lifelong romance. I did not flinch when she shared with me the intimate details of the traumatic events in her adolescence. And she did not cower away from the scars I exposed for her to witness. She too, had been involved in a valiant war against the spirit of depression and self-hatred. She could relate to my feeling of isolation of disconnection from belonging.
This would become the catalyst for a best friendship that would never be in jeopardy. Together, Jamie and I set out to share with the whole world this message of God’s redeeming grace. Jamie initiated and led a bible study in her dormitory. Even as a freshman in college (yes, I was a senior), she was learning and memorizing stories of the Bible, and sharing them with delicate authority. I was so proud to be seen with this (smokin’ hot!) Jesus freak, I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life at her side."
1.05.2010
Beauty From the Ashes
I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun. Not because I see it, but by it I see everything else. - C.S. Lewis
12.25.2009
Say Hello To My Little Friend
This braniac had an episode of genius: On a beautiful Sunday morning, he decided to walk down to my parent's beach-front property and paddle away with my father's boat. What he didn't realize was that he was captured on a digital camera, in all of his mysterious glory!
12.19.2009
Home Coming
12.12.2009
i borrowed this, pass it on...
or maybe it's that i think i'm too old to learn anything because i already learned all that stuff when i was a kid.
it's funny how much God can break me down.
i think that the times that God has pulled me closest to him has been through little kids.
it wrecks me.
each day has brought me down more and more.
not in a discouraging way.
it has brought me down in order that i can be lifted up by something else besides me.
we learned about Jesus.
today in bible school we were supposed to bring our favorite stuffed animals.
i didn't bring mine.
i'm too cool for that, right?
no.
bible teacher said..why do you love your stuffed animal?
i can't even think of an answer now.
why do we love something completely useless to us?
so we can hold it.
it's comfort, i guess.
bible teacher says. the reason you love your stuffed animal so much is the exact reason God loves you.
so He can hold you.
He doesn't need us.
but He wants us.
we need Him though.
to hold on to.
then bible teacher says..now can i borrow someone's stuffed animal so that i can pierce this nail in it and stick him on this cross?
12.11.2009
12.07.2009
We'll Be Like Torches (Burning Together)
I still believe in the power of love and healing and restoration and I still believe that the tomb is empty and I still hate the devil and all of his counterfeits that have hijacked the Church of Jesus and distorted His message of grace and if I could do it all over again
I would have never listened to the lies! I would have kept throwing the rocks through the mirror and killing the Goliath within and I would have never retreated in fear of what they might think and I would have stood ironfisted against the winds of change.
One Day mercy will triumph.
11.30.2009
Happy is the Man...
On any given morning, you will find him wrapped in a camouflage jacket, sitting beside a double-decker bus in downtown Asheville, North Carolina. He is kept warm by a heart beating to make new friends, and lives to tell his story.
11.20.2009
11.16.2009
"Shhhh... I Love You."
It is in this visual that the Hebrew prophet Zephaniah reminds us, that our Father is here in the pain. He is among us in the ashes.
He is with us in the blood and tears.
"He will quiet us with His love. He will sing over us songs of healing..."
And I kick and scream for answers, for immediate healing and mercy! I incessantly demand for His intervention from these self-inflicted wounds; in my stumbling again, my knees are bleeding. And I want to shout for His hand to comfort the distressed and distress the comfortable. I ache for the remedy of all things new.
"Shhhh...." I can feel the Divine embrace, and lean in closely to the pneumatic whisper, "I love you."
"But God," I scream, "Look at these knees! Look at this bloodstain on the concrete! Have you no empathy for my suffering?"
"Shhhh..."
And as my raging tears soften to a muffle, I find my rest in the arms of His song, "Who can separate you from my love? Can death or life? Angels or demons? Fears for today or worries about tomorrow? Not even the powers of hell can separate us from my love. No power in the sky above or the earth below [nothing!] in all creation will ever be able to separate us from this Divine embrace that is revealed in the cross of Jesus Christ."
11.15.2009
11.08.2009
if only you knew...
11.07.2009
11.05.2009
There Are Some People I Miss...
One of these days I'm going to list them in alphabetical order.
(Stay tuned...)
10.23.2009
10.11.2009
9.30.2009
9.22.2009
A Hope and Future
" plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
a hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me
when you search for me
with all your heart."
- Jeremiah 29:11
9.06.2009
Left Unsaid
8.31.2009
The Burning Bush
This morning I witnessed the glorious flyby of an eagle. While sitting in contemplative prayer, God has been revealing Himself to me through nature. A pessimist by nature, I am prone to lose hope that He still loves me. After all, sometimes (I confess) I do not love Him.
There were two of us within eyesight of the Eagle. The other man was walking aggressively north, along the shore of Lake Michigan. He missed the moment altogether. I almost called out for him to notice this occasion, but alas I was overcome by the delicious fruit of selfishness, choosing instead to savor the moment all to myself.
8.24.2009
8.19.2009
8.12.2009
The Waiting Room
Maybe you have been there. You know the feeling of terror and wonder, and all things desperate. You wonder if this is the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning. You don't know who to call, can't remember the numbers anyway. You pace back and forth in haze of wonder.
And then you collapse to your knees in heap of ashes! You begin calling the One who has sustained you thus far. You dial the number Home, and reach for the comfort of His assurance. "Wake up, God! Are you sleeping? Don't you care if we perish in this storm?"
______________________________________________
After witnessing the most horrific murder recorded in human history, friends of the crucified Jesus hid themselves away in a blur of panic. The New Testament describes the scene as a huddle of confusion; terrified of their own impending fate, the disciples locked themselves away in a first century "waiting room".
Can you imagine the conversations? Closed shades, hushed whispers, "now what?" Their pension plan, retirement package, and eternal hope had been massacred on a Roman execution stake, and the death of Jesus had implications for their own graves.
But in this waiting room, this end-of-the-rope, place of emergency, the Comforter would reveal Himself in a tangible way. The Promised would invade the petrified, the Healer would touch the horror. The resurrection would repair the rage.
As they received the Good News, the Great Physician ignited them to be witnesses of this hope. The message was delivered with dunamis (dynamite, explosive power), that darkness had been chased away by the light of morning. A new day had come, and sin/death/hell/hate had been conquered and crucified by healing/life/heaven/love.
But the greatest is love."
- 1 Corinthian 13:13
7.31.2009
we are not who we once were
an insatiable ache
for the wholeness and abandonment
without reservation
it is mine
if ever there was an appropriate time
to cut the ties and burn the bridge
or run for the some glad morning
it is now
if ever there was a castle
pierced by the oral tradition of betrayal
surrounded by the kisses of enemies
disguised as friends
it is here
the locks on the doors have been changed
the pictures on the wall, rearranged
[we are not who we once were]
if ever there were a reason
to greet the mourning with a smile
and stand to face the wind
with a concrete hope
it is you
7.18.2009
P.S. I Still Love You
There is a reasonable excuse for my absence from writing, and most of it is due to an inability to articulate the thoughts swimming inside. And most of my words have been limited to the book I have been writing (an autobiographical sketch, primarily tragicomedy) about my spiritual journey. Three steps forward, and two steps back; my discipleship skills have always been uncoordinated.
Someone asked me last night what I have been up to. I never know how to answer that question, because it all depends on the day. "Everything. Nothing. I don't know."
I will clear up some of the fog: I have been teaching Mariah how to ride a bike without her training wheels. And I realize, my Father God has been doing the same with me. And Ambria is learning new words everyday, holding us breathless with her energy. Meanwhile, Jamie has been an enigma of sorts: strong as a rock on the exterior; fragile as a flower on the inside. Our talks are rarely about the fire and smoke in the rear view mirror, instead we have been dreaming about life on the other side of the windshield before us...
We still feel restless.uncomfortable.discouraged.optimistic.lonely.blessed. and without a local church family. Occasionally we attend my dad's church, and I try to avoid his attempts to have me close the service with a benediction, or a prayer over the offering or...
A friend of mine has given me a part-time job in Grand Rapids. I am doing miscellaneous work for his growing corporation. I have a clever title: "Independent Contractor", working primarily as a social networker with non-profit organizations.
And at night, I am a janitor. I am partially responsible for the cleaning of a major industrial factory in Muskegon. I am the guy pushing a mop around a filthy warehouse, sweating through the regret of recent decisions.
I have a lot of time to think, and sometimes I cry when nobody is around. I absolutely hate my job! It is exhausting and humiliating and honest and "exactly!" I can hear my Abba Father whisper, as I peddle around each corner. I am shedding the training wheels and, although my knees are scraped up from occasional falls, I am learning a new rhythm of balance,
and now/not yet,
someday around the block...
there will a full circle,
home.